Life

Curses and Wishes

Warning: Sappy post coming up!

About fifteen months ago, someone told me in the most demeaning and evilest way I have ever been talked to, “Your time will come when you will hit rock bottom, too!” At that time, I remember that as long as I do good, I will always be taken care of. That is one of my life mantra, to create good karma for myself and the people around me. But as I sit in my little corner on this quiet Saturday evening, I can’t help but think that the person who cursed me was on to something. I am at my lowest point, ever. Emotionally. Physically. Financially.

With all the suicide happening in the world, I see friends posting about being there for you in case you need someone to listen. Still, it takes courage to open up. I’m not that courageous. It could also be my pride. But hey, that’s why I have this blog. I can write freely.

As I see friends announcing another one of their exciting life events, I am both genuinely happy and jealous. When I see friends (mine and Mike) getting together and we get no invite, I feel a little hurt for the both of us. I mean, it’s probably because we rarely go to social events these days. Still! I get over it after double tapping on their posts though. 😉 See? Totally not bitter.

New homes, new pregnancies, and new business ventures are what tears my heart the most. Don’t get me wrong – I feel so, so, so happy for them! I even put a “heart” on their Facebook posts. But those are the posts that make me ask, “What about us?” Mike and I thought we had our lives figured out, but we thought wrong. We don’t know when we can build our dream home (although we love where we are currently). We also don’t know when we will be blessed to start a family. And we both wish we have the resources to even think about establishing our own business. Sometimes, we joke around about quitting our jobs, selling all our possessions, and escaping our debtors, and just be nomads around the world. Easier said than done, of course. We’ve got family and dogs!

So what do you do when people think you’ve got life figured out? Who do you run to? Well, we ran to someone for help about a month ago. He belittled us and made us feel horrible about getting married and getting ourselves in the situation we are in. Mike promised himself to never again make the mistake of thinking family would help us. I felt bad that he had to feel that way… that we have to feel this way.

We just pray and work harder. Then we say, “Someday, we will be able to help those who are in need… without any judgment.” We want to make that come true.

Life, People

Wanted: Skills

I need to find a creative or skillful outlet, and whatever that outlet may be, I need to make it profitable. But here’s the problem: I’m not very creative, or skillful. If anyone out there has a tip on how to find relevant hidden talents, please let me know. I will try anything.

Growing up, life was always about doing the “right” things and making “good” choices. Being kind and obedient were the only options. While I’ve had a lot of encouragements and compliments, I also had other opposites. Those discouragements were the reasons I let go some of the things I liked doing.

During one of our school plays in fourth grade, my music teacher busted me out for being a horrible singer. He wasn’t the first to do so, though. A few years before that, one of the church coordinators in charge of the youth’s Easter performance laughed after she asked me to sing the alphabet song. I was out of tune, yet she didn’t bother helping me. One of my aunts also once told me, “You like singing, but singing doesn’t like you.” Ouch. I don’t remember how old I was, but definitely younger than nine. I realized I’m not made to sing. I still do, though… in the car mostly.

During my freshman year in high school, my English Honors teacher criticized the way I said the word “the” during a group project video. She told me, “You’re in America. You have to soften your “th” sound.” I had to apologize for the way I spoke. She gave me a lower grade than the rest of my group, even though we all worked the same amount of time together. While I don’t blame her for anything else besides a crushed self-esteem, she was the reason I decided to stop talking too much. Before that moment, I wanted to become a journalist and a news anchor. Meh, I’m not pretty enough anyway.

Is now also a good time to talk about a horrible time in my life when my “American” cousins decided to outcast me for reasons unknown (to me, at least)? I was ignored during get-togethers, my friends were sent online messages saying mean remarks about me, and now that we are much older, I still feel the hurt every once in a while. But hey, whatever right?

This post was not meant to be such a downer, but it kind of helped typing it all out. I am looking forward to brighter days. It’s coming! 🙂

Happy Resurrection Day! Happy Easter!